Who should take responsibility when secrets are leaked out?
Have you ever taken the responsibility for keeping the secrets of others? Are you happy with that mission?
I befriended a girl at my company. She is a cute, energetic, and sensitive young girl. She loves sharing and shares with me many aspects of her life such as her job, family, friends, and even her romantic relationship. Every working day, listening to her stories becomes a part of my lunch. I am fine as it is somehow entertaining to me. One day, she asked me: “Did you tell anybody the story A that I told you because that story is leaked out and now the person that I talked with you asks me about that?”. I answered her (in shock): “No, I didn’t tell anybody because I am not close with anyone else except you but why you thought that was me?”. She said that: “No, I just wanted to make sure that it was not you so I was sure now that it was him since only you and he are the two that I shared with”. I asked her: “So what will you do if you confirm that it is him?”. She said: “I am sad and feel betrayed because I trusted him.” I continued: “Did you tell him that the story you told him is a secret that should not be shared with any others?”. She said: “No, but he was supposed to know that, right? It is a common rule.”. I was annoyed: “No, I don’t know. I don’t know that it is a secret since you did not tell me that. Indeed, you told me so many things that I could not differentiate which one is a secret, which one is not. So, I assumed them just gossip that can be shared with others as long as I would not say that I knew it from you. Luckily, I don’t have anyone to share with. Therefore, I didn’t make mistake this time but I don’t know that I am not permitted”. She looked irritated and requested me: “Okay, so I will confirm here. Please don’t tell anyone else what I told you. It is the secrets between us, between friends.” I said: “Alright” but deep inside, I feel unsatisfied with the outcome of that conversation. I felt something wrong but didn’t know where it was wrong. I wonder: “If I really tell the others’ secrets even which I was required to keep, is it my fault?”
With that question my mind, I came home and asked my mother: “If you told your best friends your secrets and asked her to keep them for you but then suddenly you recognized that your friends shared with others, would you be angry and feel betrayed?”. She laughed and answered me: “Yes when I was young and stupid but no when I am now”. I asked her why. She said: “Just simply because it is even me who could not keep the secrets of myself, how could I dare to ask the others to keep them for me.” Her answers hit me tremendously. I never thought about this problem in this way. I recognized that keeping secrets is a very difficult task and some people cannot do that. However, they expect others to do that for them. So, they could please their need of talking and feel relieved and safe with those secrets. When the secrets are leaked out, they feel innocent since it is others who they trusted committing the crime, not them. So, they can continue sharing with others how poor they are for being betrayed by their trusted ones. I realized that criticizing and being unfriended with somebody because my secrets leaked out is not fair for others since, in the end, it is not a one-sided fault.
Thanks to this incident, I got a lesson for myself: “Don’t be angry with anyone who is either purposely or accidentally leaking out your secret (by your definition) as they don’t have any responsibility to keep it for you, even your closest friends. Forgive them and forgive yourself, too.”
