Should it be mandatory to take care of your aging parents?
Mandatory or voluntary to take care of aging parents becomes the big question for cultural differences. As an Asian girl who has been well-taught about what is called a “duty” to parents since I became aware, I always perceive taking care of aging parents as an obvious duty until one day.
I have a cousin. He is the only son in my uncle’s family that has 5 children. Therefore, he is the one receiving the highest expectation from his parents. They hope that he will get married, continue the bloodline of the family, and take care of the aging parents when he grows up. Of course, taking care of aging parents is also shared with his sisters. However, being considered the outsiders after getting married and moving out to the husbands’ families, his sisters get much fewer expectations. One day, my mother complained to me: “What an ungrateful person! How could he said that?” I wondered: “Who are you talking about, mom? It’s not me, right?” My mom answered: “You? Too early to say anything. I’m talking about your cousin. Can you imagine what he said to your uncle and aunt? He said that parents should not expect the children to take care of aging parents.” I wondered again: “Why are you so angry? Is there anything wrong with that saying?” My mom looked at me and strongly responded: “What do you mean when you asked there was anything wrong? Do you agree with him?” That was a kick-off battle between me and my mother.
As in an underdog position, I explained to her gently: “No, I didn’t mean I agree with him. I just want to ask why you are so angry. Can I understand that you believe children are mandatory to take care of the aging parents?” Her answer with 100% sureness was: “Yes, of course. Children have to do that. It is their mission.” I questioned: “Why?” Her answer with her highest patience was: “Because your parents have sacrificed a lot to give birth to you, raise you, take care of every single thing of you. Therefore, when your parents are getting old, losing the ability to look after themselves, you need to return all sacrifices to your parents.” I challenged her: “I see. Can I understand that the reason for the parents to give birth, raise children is a preparation for their old years?” My mom confirmed: “Yes, that’s correct.” I continued my challenge: “I have 2 questions. First, what is the thing called unconditional love of parents for children because, according to what you said, it is just a trade? Second, do you think it is an unfair trade since parents are those who set it up without asking the agreement from the children?” My mom kept silent, and in round one, I won.
However, the feeling of winning doesn’t last long. After 5 minutes of silence, my mom said slowly: “You are right if you think that way, but you forgot one thing: it is the trade of love. And love is unpredictable. Let me give an example. Have you ever had unrequited love?” I hesitated: “Yes, I have.” She smiled and said: “Great! The relationship between children and parents is similar to unrequited love. When two people get married, it is because of love. When the couple decides to have a baby, it is also because of love. Still, those two love is different. The first is mutual love. The second is one-sided love because the couple cannot know whether that baby will love them in return. So, what would you do if you are the person who loves somebody first?” I responded: “I will treat him well, show him how much I love him, and hope that he will love me, then.” She agreed: “Right. Parents are the same. Parents will treat the baby well, give him the best of the best, and hope that the baby will love them when he grows up. But what if that baby will not love them back?”. I had no answer. She continued: “That is why I said it’s like unrequited love, you love a person and do a lot of things for him, but you never know that person will love you back. If that person does not, will he be sentenced to prison? The answer is no. Nonetheless, just like in a movie, the audience will cry for those who love somebody and do a lot to be loved, then get nothing. I remember you used to call those who don’t love back are heartless, right? And it’s the same for those children who don’t love their parents. People will be angry and call those children heartless, but no one can put them into prison. So, did I answer your 2 questions properly?” I looked at my mom, and in round two, I was defeated completely.
After our conversation, I realize that parents’ love can be so beautiful but pathetic at the same time. I really wish all parents in this world to able to find mutual love from their children so that they will not be asked the question, “Should it be mandatory to take care of aging parents?”, anymore.
